The Return of the Babysitter
by mismatchedsocktwins
Summary: It's Lily and James' anniversary and Harry's godfather gets to babysit him again. Why did Lily let James do this? How will Sirius mess up this time? Sequel to The Babysitter R&R please!
1. The Return of the Babysitter

**Disclaimer- I am not, nor is the penguin sitting beside me, JK Rowling. Come on people, does JK look like a penguin??**

**Completely Random and Totally Pointless Caution: **The reading of this story may cause the reader to laugh, choke, vomit, cause laughter so immense that the reader ends up falling out of their chair, smashing their head on the desk, tripping on the way as they attempt to stand up, falling over the banister, toppling down the stairs, landing in a laundry basket, and finally being trampled upon by the dogs. (Please note that most of this SHOULD NOT take place while the reader is reading this story. If this does in fact happen to you, we are not liable for lawsuits and **NOTHING IS OUR FAULT**.) Thank you for taking the time to read this pointless caution. Enjoy the actual story!

**Chapter 1: The Return of the Babysitter Whom, This Time Has Brought a Friend Along Too!**

"No James. No way am I letting that monster baby-sit my child again! Do you remember what happened last time? Harry still says those awful words!" Lily cried to her frustrated, begging husband.

"But Lily! It's our one-year anniversary! It's important! It needs to be special!" James pleaded with his wife.

"No, no, no, no, no!"

"But Remus will be here this time! And while Sirius baby-sits, Remus can help out and keep watch over him."

"I'd rather have Remus baby-sit and have your lunatic best friend out on the street!"

"Come on honey, we haven't gone out in forever!" James was begging. Though, he'd never admit that to Sirius or any of the other guys…

"Because of that moron you chose to put in charge of our child! Since then all the babysitters haven't come back because 'your son swore at me!' and 'Your son is a menace!'"

"Oh come on Sirius and Remus won't care if he swears at them." James said, sounding as though there was no problem.

"Not the point!" Lily said crossing her arms.

"Come on Lily! It is our anniversary! Our first anniversary! And it is not like he killed him or anything."

"Well… I guess it is…" suddenly there was a noise from just outside the door.

"Great!" James shouted, " I'll go get them!"

"James! I was not done speaking!" Lily screamed.

"Remus! Sirius! It is great of you to come!" She heard James say from the other room.

"You did it again!" Lily screeched hysterically, stalking into the other room and seeing three guilty men standing there. "How could you!"

"Lily you have to understand I had already made secret plans! It was all planned out already! I needed someone to watch Harry!" James explained frantically.

"You made plans? That is so sweet!" Lily said affectionately.

"All right then." James said smiling. "Lets go!" with that he started walking towards the door.

Lily followed, but then turned suddenly on Sirius and Remus.

"If you hurt my baby, teach any "fun" words, destroy my house, make any sort of mess, or break even one little cup." She said glaring at Sirius in particular. "Your mother won't recognize you!"

Sirius was close to cowering in a corner, when she added most happily "Bye!" and walked out the front door.

"Wow." Said Remus "You must have really fucked up."

"Shut up! Harry might hear! And Lily will kill me if he swears again!" Sirius said close to hysterics.

"Sirius calm down!" Remus said in shock.

"No!" he yelled, "If I do anything she will disembody me!"

"Sirius?" Remus said looking scared at the look on his friends face.

"No Remus! I can't calm down! We will have to get out of here! We can move to Switzerlonia! We will have to learn how to speak Switzerlonian! And we can just leave Harry here! Then Lily can't track us down! It is the perfect plan!" Sirius eye's where wide and he was frantically rubbing his hands together.

"Sirius, you have not messed up yet…." Remus said uncertainly.

"Oh" said Sirius in a shocked voice. It seemed to be a surprise him that he had been the house for over five minutes and nothing was on fire.

"Anyway where is the little kid?" Remus asked Sirius.

"Lily said the little master piece was up in the crib." Sirius said.

"Master piece?" Remus asked looking at Sirius questionably.

"Well I can't call him the same thing twice!" Said Sirius rolling his eyes, as though this was the obvious.

"Oh I see… how stupid of me" Remus said rolling his eyes.

"Yes Remus. I think we all _know _who the smart one is. You can pass the smart role over to me now."

"Don't push it." Remus growled under his breath, as the two headed up the stairs to where the baby boy was supposedly sleeping.

"Oy jumping bean!" Sirius yelled as the reached the young boys room, "Where are you!" And as Sirius pocked his head around the door his heart sank. He was not in there…

"No, I am going to die! Where did the Avocado go?" Sirius yelled whipping out of the room and running through all of the other rooms.

"Sirius what is going on?" Remus called after him as the man ran passed him.

"The little magot escaped form that prison!" Sirius called as he was dashing into Lily and James room, then ran out yelling "Nessy! Where are you!"

"Nessy?" Remus asked puzzled as he opened the closet door and look in.

"Yeah you know the Lochness monster."

"Oh right how stupid of me, again!"

"Your really losing you touch Remus." Sirius called.

"Don't push it, again!" Remus hissed.

"Remus," Sirius said, paleing, "do you hear…running water?"

Remus stopped a listened until he heard it to. Faster than dirty rinocerous, the two men dashing into the bathroon.

"Oh no!" groned Remus leaning agenced the door frame. It seemed to suddenly hit him what Harry was doing.

"Flying saucor! What did you do!" Sirius said falling to his knees and looking ready to cry.

"Fucking moron!" Said the little boy, pointing a finger at Sirius and smiling brightly.

"Wow, what did you do last time Sirius?" Remus asked looking at the small boy. "Ruin the house and teach baby Harry colorful words?"

"Hey." Sirius snapped at the smirking man. "They may come in useful in later life."

Remus ignored this and turned back to the task at hand. "Well Harry," he said looking at the tot. "Have we been trying to get your godfather to be incommodiousness?"

The tot nodded as though in complete understanding, and Sirius just stood there.

"Wh-wh-what does that mean!" Sirius said looking awestricked

"Well you taught him all those swears in one night, the kid must learn fast." Remus said looking at his friend triumphantly. Suddenly he felt a wet-ness on he feet and looked two men had been to busy bickering to actually look at the room properly. The floor was soaked, there was toilet paper hanging all over the walls, and Harry had also found his way into the bubble bath; the result was quite astounding. It resulted in Sirius swearing loadly, and Remus smacking him sharply across the head. "Bad dog!" Remus said smugly "Have you not taught harry enough of those words?"

"How are we going to clean _all_ this up?" Sirius groaned.

"Sirius," Remus said slowly, trying to keep his outburst in check. "Has it ever occurred to you that you are a _wizard!_" Remus yelled so loudly that Sirius stumbled backwards, falling into the bathtub and nocking over another container of bubble bath all over himself.

"Remus!" He groaned in dispair. "And, you see…" Sirius was trying not to look like a complete moron at this point. "Last time I babysat my wand was… misplaced and… it's somewhere around here!" The man exclaimed at the look on his werewolf friend's face.

"Are you honestly trying to tell me that we are going to be here babysitting a magical child who just so happens to get himself into more trouble than you do in transfiguration class, and you don't even have a wand?" Remus' voice indicated that he was ready to kill someone, particularly Sirius.

"Well… Erm… Yes…"

Okay, it's been a while and most of this chapter was the work of both penguin and lolly, yet I had this chapter at my (lolly's) house and wrote to here and decided to post. So now you guys know what's going to happen.. sort of. We (or I) will try to update soon! Please review! ~lolly


	2. The One Where Sirius Goes Crazy

A/N: Hello there young infidels! How often do you have someone talking to you but you really are too lazy to speak to them back? Well we have the solution to this problem! With this lovely, darling little chip *holds up chip* you never have to answer your annoying parents or friends again! Simply insert it into your head…

**And how do you suggest we do that, Sherlock? **

Uhm… Unimportant! Anyway…

**Well, it really is important! How the hell are you going to get this "chip" in your head?**

Shut up! You stick it in your ear, okay? Now, this lovely little chip comes with five automatic quotes including: 'get me a sandwich!'…

**Get me a sandwich? Are you fer serious? What if the person doesn't want a sandwich?**

Well they get a sandwich anyway! Would you be quiet and let me advertise! Now… Also included are the following: 'you pompous git!' 'I don't wanna' and many more!

**I don't wanna? Honestly… What kinda response is that? **

Well you can record your own too!

**It's still a stupid idea…**

You may think that it's a stupid idea but there are many people out there who don't think that this is a stupid idea and will go out to buy one today!

**Sure, sure, and where do they buy these *cough* nonexistent *cough* chips? Whatever, I don't wanna know, I'm going to write this story and you can go advertise your chips. Now for **_**The Return Of the Babysitter**_**…**

That was very rude, you interrupted me…

_**Chapter 2**__**: The One Where Sirius Goes Crazy **_

I wasn't done with this commercial!

***Ends authors note***

Remus sighed to himself. His friend was a moron… How do you lose your wand anyway? "Okay, I'll clean this mess up, you keep Harry busy and do not lose him."

"Okay. I'll… Take him outside! Just in the front yard, no need to worry!" Sirius said as worry crossed Remus' face. "And there's a fence. A magical fence, he'll never get out!"

"Okay… Just don't lose him!" Remus called after his exiting friend.

"So little coconut, uncle Sirius is going to take you outside and we're going to… be outside and stuff. Doesn't that sound fun?"

"Fucking moron!" Harry was smiling broadly.

"No, that word's a bad word. Harry doesn't want to be a bad boy, does he?"

"Harry bad boy!" Harry said smiling. Sirius was about to agree when he noticed a picture of Lily on the wall.

"No, Harry good boy. Harry no use bad boy words."

"Uncle Sirius use bad words… Uncle Sirius bad boy!" Harry said making a connection.

"No! Well… yeah, a bit… But Harry's a good boy! Harry's not like his uncle Padfoot." By this time they had reached the front yard where Sirius set Harry down on the ground and stood there for a moment.

"So… Your yard has… grass."

"Gwass!" Harry said pulling a clump of the green stuff from the ground.

"Yeah, that's grass!"

"Sirius?" Said a voice from behind them. Sirius turned around to see the hot nurse standing there with her dog.

"Watch and learn, Harry." Sirius said before he walked up to the gate and leaned against it in a suggestive manner. "Oh, hi… erm…." He forgot her name… How did he forget her name!

"I never got to properly introduce myself, but my name is Wilma." Wilma, Sirius thought, what an awful name… But she's hot so I can deal with it. "So Sirius, how are you?"

"I'm good, Wilma." Sirius tried to make the name sound sexy. The girl giggled so it must've worked. "I'm good, how are you?"

"I'm pretty good too. Do you live here?" She asked him.

"No, I'm babysitting."

"Oh, who are you babysitting?" Is she stupid? The kid is right over… Where is he!?

"Mongoose? Oh god, Remus is going to kill me!" Sirius thought a second. "Then Lily's going to resurrect me to kill me again!" The nurse stared at Sirius with wide eyes.

"I'm sorry; do you want me to help you look for your mongoose?"

"Not my mongoose, James'!" Sirius cried in despair.

"Oh. Well, what's the mongoose's name?"

"He's not really a mongoose! It's Harry! And I have to go!" Sirius ran off into the house to find Remus.

"Okay, I'll talk to you later! Call me!" Wilma said dejectedly before sighing. "Mum was right, they're all crazy…"

"Remy!! Remy!"

"What is it Sirius?" Remus said walking into the room.

"Well… we… I mean me…, hot nurse… and a mongoose… and… and Lily… dead…" Sirius muttered incoherently, his eyes darting around the room, looking for something.

"Sirius," said Remus warily "Where is Harry?"

"Well, it's sad really… You see, I was just standing there, doing nothing wrong! When this… this… hawk! That's it, a hawk! Came down from the sky and grabbed the kid like Peter and a piece of bacon and that's it! Simple, sad, but simple. My suggestion's that we move to Africa as soon as possible…"

"You lost him! I can't believe you lost him! Again!"

"Didn't you listen to what I just said? It was an eagle! I mean a hawk… Wait, did I say eagle or hawk, or was it a crow… Penguin?"

"Sirius!" Remus groaned.

"Look, if we go with this story Lily will never know what really happened. We could always use the backup plan and go to Switzerlonia. Alfonso it is!"

"Sirius Lily will never believe that! I don't believe that! You don't even remember your own story!"

"Well… then it can be a hawk, okay? Just remember tha-"

"Shut up you pompous git! *A/N: See! It is used in public language! **Shut it! This isn't even allowed! *continues story* **this is very serious!" Sirius giggled a little man-chuckle. "Don't even start with me! No puns intended at all ever! You are going to find that kid and you are going to…" Just then a huge bang was heard from above them. "Shit!" Remus groaned.

"Now, Remus, using language like that is not acceptable behavior for someone of your stat-" Just then Remus slapped Sirius so hard that the boy could hear ringing in his ears. And birds… Wait, Remus could hear the birds too.

Both boys ran up the stairs at the speed of a racing rhinoceros. The sounds of the birds grew louder with every step toward the toddler's bedroom. They opened the door tentatively, not sure they really wanted to enter.

When they saw the room, they realized that they should have stayed outside. There were birds, peacocks to be exact, everywhere. On every fixture, lining the walls, there must have been hundreds of them. And sitting in the middle of the room in his crib was little baby Harry holding an all too familiar wand (to Sirius, at least) in both hands smiling brightly (and evilly).

"Fuckin' morons!" He said pointing toward the two boys.

A/N: **Comments?**

If you would like to buy a micro chip….

**Give it up. **

*sigh* Tune in next chapter to learn about your very own sock finders!

***shakes head* Oh my…**


	3. The One Where We Reach the Third

**A/N: Le chapter trios!**

What about my sock finder!

**Ohh! Nobody wants to hear about your sock finder! They want this chapter!**

I beg to differ! Many people said that they would like to see the idea!

**Oh they were just being polite! Nobody really cares!**

I'm sure many people care about when they lose their socks! Just picture a magnet and when you press a button all of them come flying at you!

**Uhm… Sounds dangerous. And how many socks does it attract? From what distance will it attract socks from? Is it one at a time or many at once? Will they squish you and…**

Shut up! All at once, from a twenty foot radius, all the socks, and socks can't squish you! You aren't made out of jelly! I like grape jelly… Especially on bagels.

**Oh my… That not only sounds dangerous, but you aren't nearly as good a sales person as you were pretending to be last chapter.**

Uhm, pretending? Excuse me? I was not pretending, I am truly a…

**I don't care! The readers don't care! They want this story! Now shut it, you! *ends A/N* **

I'm sure they do care. I'm special…

**Sure you are, darling. Chapter 3: The Chapter Where We Reach the Third.**

Just then, as Sirius and Remus were standing in awe amongst the birds, the doorbell rang. Remus groaned. "Get your wand; I'll get the door, _meet me downstairs."_ He sounded more than upset, he sounded murderous.

"Okays, chief!" Sirius smiled and saluted his friend out the door. "Okay, pumpernickel, you're going to give me the damn wand, or I will…" Sirius thought for a moment, it wouldn't be prudent to swear in front of the child, again. "Smush you." Sirius said.

Harry giggled. "Smush!" He said in his baby-tone, causing Sirius to awe at the boy's cuteness. But Sirius could not admire the boy's cuteness for long for when Harry said the word 'smush' he raised his arms and brought them down again. This wouldn't have been a problem, but Harry happened to be holding something quite powerful in his little tiny baby hands: Sirius' wand.

Soon, the birds were everywhere. The ones closest to the child literally were squashed, the ones a little farther off exploded, and the ones that managed to stay alive were everywhere, fluttering and spazzing in their misery. "Oh no…" Sirius groaned in despair, for when the feathers were out of his eyes and he looked toward the crib, Harry was gone. Again.

Sirius quickly ran downstairs because he heard a loud shout from, what sounded like Remus' voice, but Remus surely wouldn't be using that kind of language! When Sirius reached the foot of the stairs, he saw a very angry and red faced Remus and a very startled looking Wilma.

"Wilma!" Sirius said in surprise.

Remus glared daggers at the boy. "_Wilma_? We're babysitting the child from hell, and you invited your girlfriend, _Wilma_, over?" Remus' voice was deadly.

"Oh no! I was talking to Sirius outside earlier and, see, I came to check and make sure everything was alright!" Wilma tried to explain to a very ticked off Remus.

"Oh, so this is how you lost Harry? Talking to your girlfriend, _Wilma?_"_ He just wasn't going to let that name go, was he?_ Sirius thought to himself.

Sirius was trying to think of something to say to get him out of trouble. "She's not my girlfriend." Was all he could come up with.

"All the better!" Remus shouted with mock enthusiasm. "No wonder that baby calls you a fucking moron! You are the most idiotic male I have ever met in my entire life and you _are _indeed a fucking moron and speaking of the lovely child, _where is he?!"_ Remus roared. Wilma looked frightened.

"Well," Sirius began. "It's a funny story, really."

"Oh, do entertain me, Sirius." Remus growled through clenched teeth. Now, you may not think that Remus is a very scary fellow, but being a werewolf, he has an angry side. And when it shows, all people will cower in fright. For the lights behind him dim and the fire glows bright in his eyes. It was enough to make Peter wet his pants on numerous occasions.

"Well, I told the boy, very nicely mind you, to give the wand to me, and he, quite randomly, said SMUSH and blew himself to bits." Remus stared at Sirius. "OH!" Sirius suddenly exclaimed. "And then the birds ate all the pieces. Sad, I know. I… I did nothing wrong, I tried to save him but…" Just then, Remus slapped the boy for the second time that day.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?!" Sirius screeched.

"Because you're an idiot!" Remus told him.

"He blew himself up? How did he even manage that with just a… wand, was it? I didn't know bubble wands had that sort of power." This girl wasn't the brightest, but she made their job of cover-up tales much easier!

"Yes, deadly bubble wands, I didn't know about them either… Until it was too late." Sirius began to pretend to weep dramatically. Wilma immediately rushed over to comfort the mock-weeping boy. Sirius grinned and winked to Remus over the girl's shoulder.

"I'm so, so, so sorry, Sir-" Wilma began, but Remus grasped the girl and tossed her to the side.

"Listen, _Wilma_, this fool is lying. He is not that upset because the baby did not explode because wands of any sort do not blow up people! Now, if you wouldn't mind, I have business, that being killing this moron over here, and so I think that it is time for you to leave now. Goodbye, _Wilma_." Remus said, none too politely.

"Oh… Well… Uhm… It was… nice meeting you too. I'll… Talk to you later, Sirius… If you're still living, that is…" Wilma turned to the door and walked out slowly looking a tad confused and very terrified.

Remus slammed the door shut and began to scream immediately. "You idiot! You almost gave us away! You should know better than to mention wands in the place of a muggle! We're lucky that you only chose the stupidest of the girls otherwise you could've just put the entire wizarding world in jeopardy!"

"What are you talking about?" Sirius asked as though this was no big deal. "A simple memory charm would've done the trick!"

"Sirius you need to learn to solve your problems without magic sometimes!"

"What do you think I've been doing? That little devil has my wand still!" Sirius' voice began to rise.

"Yes, because you have no responsibility and have sufficiently gotten your wand into the hands of that toddler, or rather handed the damn wand to the boy far too many times to this date!"

The screaming between the two men went on for quite some time… They hardly noticed the knocking on the door getting louder and louder. It was as though someone were going to bash the door in when they finally quieted down enough to listen to it. Remus stalked over to the door, plainly irritated and red faced and flung it open with as much force as a rampaging elephant who hasn't eaten in days and is chasing a prairie dog. "What?" Remus shouted at a very terrified looking Wilma. "Oh, _Wilma_, didn't I say that this wasn't the best time?"

"Well," Wilma began. "I was just walking out when I noticed that there was a cry from your roof. You see, there's a baby sitting on your roof yelling at a flock of birds. He looks as though he's trying to order them to do something. As ridiculous as that is!" Suddenly there was a loud flapping noise and hundreds of very disfigured and half dead looking peacocks flying out from the chimney. Finally, the largest and least injured peacock came down the chimney and on its back sat none other than a wide grinned Harry.

He was holding the wand which was shooting yellow sparks sporadically when he pointed it at Sirius and said, not for the first time, "Fucking moron!"

**So that's it. The super magnificent ending which leaves the reader [you] begging at our mercy for more. Mhm, we're sweet, caring people. (:  
Review please!**


	4. The One That Is the Fourth

**Hello and welcome to:**

**Chapter Four: The One That Reaches the Fourth. **

…

**Well? **

Well what?

**Well? Aren't you going to interject something stupid? Try to sell something ridiculous? Be crazy? Insane? Hyper?**

What do you think I am? A crackpot? Eccentric? Lunatic? A ding-a-ling? Be specific when trying to define me, woman!

**Whoa! Okay then Penguin… I didn't know your vocabulary spanned that wide range of words.**

You just don't know how smarticleicious I can be!

…**I spoke too soon. Well, better get to writing… **

WAIT! I have an idea!

**What?**

A dictionary!

**What about a dictionary? **

I'll sell a dictionary! It'll be much more interesting than those dictionaries that talk about REAL words and stuff. No… this will be a whole dictionary of slang! Words like 'Mummummummabamble'.

**Words like what!? **

Mummummummabamble! The art of being mummummumabambly!

**Okay then… On with this chapter we go! **

And the study of mummummumabambology!

**Chapter four! Quick, before she thinks of something else! **

He was holding the wand which was shooting yellow sparks sporadically when he pointed it at Sirius and said, not for the first time, "Fucking moron!"

A few things happened in the next moment or two. Sirius flew backwards, being hit with some form of spell, and smashed into a bookcase, Harry suddenly said "Sirius go SMUSH!" at the top of his lungs, and Remus lead, or rather shoved, a startled looking Wilma out the door saying, "Time to leave! Goodbye! We'll be fine! Don't worry about us! Don't mention this to anyone, and do NOT come back inside!" He then slammed the door in the poor girl's face and turned back to the mess unfolding around him.

_Meanwhile…_

"Oh… Well… You don't have to be rude about it! Just because you're jealous your friend found someone and you didn't doesn't give you any reason to be mean to me! Are you listening to me? Listen to me when I'm talking to you!" Wilma screamed through the door.

Suddenly several large crashes, a few loud 'bangs' and one Sirius shriek came at once. _Boom. Crash. Clang. Clatter. BANG! _"Oh my fucking god!"

Wilma's eyes widened in fright. Just then a pop came from behind her. She flew around to face some shaggy, black haired man. "Who are you?" She asked rudely. James looked at her confused. _Who am I? Who is she?_ He thought. "Where did you come from?" She asked again.

"Uhm, who am I? Who are you? And why are you standing outside my house?"

"Well some Remus fellow just kicked me out the door because of the peacocks and some baby riding on the peacock and then poor Sirius went flying across the room and I don't know what's going on but I want to find out! I just wanted to have Sirius ask me on a date! I did nothing wrong here and I'm being thrown from YOUR house and they're ignoring me and I can't even take it anymore!" The girl finished her screaming rant and stalked off down the street, leaving James in a very shocked apprehensive state.

"Oh god… What did they do?" He asked himself aloud.

Suddenly, from inside the house came a scream "No! Not my hair! Not my beautiful hair!"

"Shut up, Sirius!" Another voice yelled, cracking under the stress of the current situation.

Another high pitched baby voice was heard. "Whee! Fucking moron!"

James, not only scared for their health and welfare, but for his too for when Lily discovered the two he left in charge did something as awful as this she will certainly murder him. In some sick, twisted way that only a woman with a fiery temper and red hair could manage to come up with.

He walked up to the front door tentatively. He closed his eyes, whispering something that sounded like a prayer and pushed open the door. Suddenly he heard flapping and when he opened his eyes over 100 peacocks were flying directly at him.

"Daddy!" Baby Harry shrieked happily. James snatched Harry from the back of the largest peacock just before it flew through the doorway with the others and off into the horizon. Harry gave his dad a great big baby hug. "Harry having fun! Pafoo go SMUSH!"

James muttered something under his breath that sounded like "Yea, when your mother finds out about this Padfoot will go smush." Just then James noticed Harry holding what looked like Sirius' wand. James snatched it away, still in somewhat disbelief that Sirius let his baby have that wand, or that Remus let any of this happen at all. That was when James took in the rest of his surroundings. Several items were in flames, there were still a few peacocks roaming around, causing havoc and eating Sirius' hair, and most of the items in the house looked to be broken, shattered, or destroyed.

James took a deep breath. "Remus," he began. "We've been gone, for an hour… Remus… Honestly… What happened?"

"James I..." Remus tried, but he just couldn't find words to say. "I don't know what happened. He's not dead." Remus said with very dry optimism while indicating to a happy smiling Harry.

"Not yet… God, if I hadn't come here to check on you three who knows what could've happened! And three more hours…" James trailed off and became distant. "You know, I think you two can go home now… I'll just take Harry with me. I think it's safer that way."

"No, James, we can handle this!" Remus said. At that same moment Sirius shrieked, yet again.

"My hair! My eyes! I think they're trying to eat out my eyes! Save me somebody!"

"Uh huh," said James. "I think we're better off going with my plan…"

James didn't get to finish his sentence before Remus shouted, "NO! Then Lily will KNOW that something's up and she'll never forgive us!"

"Shit! Lily! She still thinks I'm in the bathroom! I got to go,_ fix everything._" James shoved Harry into Remus' arms and waved Sirius' wand to get the peacocks off of a still shrieking Sirius. "And… I'm going to keep this," James said indicating to Sirius' wand. "I don't think it would be wise to leave it in his hands again. Bye!" And he ran out the door.

**Well, since this is a regular update, five reviews and we should be able to get the next chapter up. So review or no chapter! [Okay, so maybe eventually… Review and you get it sooner!]**


	5. The Fifth Where there are Weasels

**Bonjour! Soyez bienvenus au Chapitre Cinq : le Cinquième du Cinquième Chapitre! Nous sommes très exaltés d'écrire aujourd'hui!**

What are you doing?

**Practicing my French skills. I have a quiz tomorrow. **

I don't speak French though.

**Well… try to keep up anyway. **

But what about our readers, they might not understand!

**Ils le traverseront, c'est juste la note d'un auteur. Et ce quiz français est assez important.**

What was that about weasels?

**Weasels?! How did you get weasels out of that!? **

Well, it looks like you said… 'The traveling weasels went to the auteur' which I think means circus. What? Were they performing or something? Being chased by an elephant?  
**  
What? No! I didn't say a thing about weasels!**

Was it walrus' then? I'm pretty sure whatever it was had a 'w' in it!

**No! I didn't talk about weasels or walrus'! **

What about a mongoose? That's an upside down 'w'!

**Oh my god… Look all said was 'Hello and welcome to Chapter Five: The Fifth Where we Reach the Fifth. We are very elated to write today!' and then 'they'll get over it, it's just an author's note. And this French quiz is rather important.'**

Psh...Psh... You're failing French anyway.

**I am not! An 83 is NOT failing! Even if the teacher thinks it is… crackpot old schnozz waffle… **

God… I almost forgot what I was going to advertise today. You shocked me too much.

**Oh god... Time to move on. Chapter 5!**

Now, how would you guys like to learn about the magnificent, marvelous…

**CHAPTER FIVE COMING IN NOW! *ends author's note*  
**

*scowls*

**Chapter Five…**

Remus watched James leave, a happy smiling waving Harry in his arms. Looking at the baby Remus could actually think that there could be some hope that Lily wouldn't find out about this… That she wouldn't hate them. "Come on, Harry, you must be hungry by now." Just when Remus turned around though, Sirius shrieked and Remus looked around at his surroundings.

The house was a mess. Sirius was writhing on the floor as though there were still peacocks trying to eat him. "Sirius, calm down and clean up this mess." Remus told him.

"Why me? I always have to do the awful jobs and I always have to do them alone! It's so unfair! Why does life hate me?" Sirius griped overdramatically.

"You caused this mess, you clean it up."

"How is this my fault? And where did those devil birds go?" Sirius asked paranoid like.

"James used your wand to make them leave you alone…" Remus began before Sirius cut him off.

"James? That means Lily is here! Oh god! Okay… the story is… that a tornado hit! And then a tsunami and then a hurricane followed by an ice storm and concluded by global warming taking over and melting all the ice to create this mess of messiness."

"Sirius!" Remus said loudly, for he had been trying to communicate with Sirius for quite some time now.

"What?" Sirius asked as he was pulled from his reverie. "Do you have a better story?"

"Those peacocks could've come up with a better story than that…" Remus said. "And it doesn't matter because Lily's not here and James just came to check up on us. We still have 3 hours. Most of which will be used cleaning this disaster called the Potter house."

"Ohh…" Sirius said. "Well get to work, Remy! We don't got all day here!"

Remus looked like he was about to murder Sirius. Then, he thought of a better idea. He pulled out his wand and with one swift flick Sirius was dressed in a female maid outfit, apron and all. "Well Sirius, you seem better suited for the job, so you can handle this one. I'm going to get Harry some food, when I come back you best have this place looking marvelous." As he walked away, Remus flicked his wand to lock the doors trapping the wandless Sirius in the disastrous living room.

And so Remus took over the task of feeding Harry. We won't go into details of the kitchen appliances exploding and food going just about everywhere except in the baby's mouth. However we'll go forward to the point where Remus had gotten the kitchen cleaned up and went back to the living room to check on Sirius.

He opened the door hesitantly, unsure whether he really wanted to enter the war zone. Much to his surprise, the room was absolutely spotless. The only thing that looked out of place was Sirius, in a maid outfit, laying in fetal position on the floor muttering about 'Lily… kill… eyes… Remus… James… Sirius… death. AHH!" He began to writhe and shriek in a painful looking misery.

Remus put the little toddler on the floor and said, "You sit right here while I go fix your spazzing godfather." Harry nodded with wide eyes, looking very, very innocent. Remus walked over to Sirius and shook him a little while saying, "Sirius, what are you doing?"

Sirius' eyes were wide with fright as he focused in on Remus' eyes. "I was going to kill you. For locking me out of course. But the picture. Her eyes… Her eyes, Remus, her god damn EYES!"

"Uhm… Sirius…" Remus tried to say.

"NO! Look Remus! Look!" Sirius spun him around and pointed at James and Lily's wedding picture. "Her eyes… Their haunting me, Remus! I'm going to die!" Sirius shrieked again.

"Look, Sirius, the house is spotless, Harry is fed, Lily will never have to find out about any of the mishaps that took place this evening." Remus tried to reason with his friends.

Sirius' eyes opened and he looked around and breathed an air of relief. "For once, Remus, I think you might be right and I might be wrong."

"Once?" Remus asked in a total 'what you talkin' 'bout boy' kinda tone.

"Yes, I'll admit that this once your brain is superior to mine. Don't get cocky now though! We all know who the real brain of the group is." Sirius began to knock on his head winking at Remus and smiling. Remus thought the boy looked like an imbecile. "So, now that we've settled this matter, where is my little roll of duct tape?" Sirius asked, looking around.

"He's right…" Remus' eyes grew wide for when he turned around Harry was not in sight any longer. "Oh no… Not this again."

"Remus! You lost him? How could you? What kind of awful babysitter are you? I would never do such a thing to my precious hair care product **[yes, this is out to you, Ice Cream.]**!" Before Remus had a chance to murder Sirius the doorbell rang and Remus' attention was brought to it. Of course, because someone was at the door, his enchantments were lost with the ringing of the doorbell.

Remus flung open the door, somewhat harshly, with Sirius at his heels. It was none other than Wilma. "Look, _Wilma_, this really isn't the time…"

Wilma began to talk over Remus, ignoring his words completely. "Okay, so I know you were very rude to me and it was totally uncalled for and all, but I just wanted to say that I forgive you!"

"You forgive…" But that was when something caught Remus' eye. Something from behind Wilma. Something that was running with a wand. Something that was a toddler. A wand that looked suspiciously like his own. Remus slapped at his pants pocket as his eyes grew wide. "Oh no…" Remus began, realizing he no longer possessed a wand. "Uhm… SIRIUS! Go get the milk!"

"What? Milk? What are you…"

"The milk! I need milk now! Go get it!" Remus shoved Sirius out the door and pulled Wilma inside.

"Hey, Remy, I know we're good friends and all, but that's MY girl and what's with the milk and…" And that was when Remus slammed the door in the poor pretty haired boy's face.

Sirius turned around and laid eyes on the 'milk'. "Oh! The milk! He was trying to distract Wilma so I could catch Harry! I understand now!" Sirius walked toward the little child who was now sitting on the ground, not even noticing the wand in the toddler's hand...

_Meanwhile back in the potter house... _

"So, erm… _Wilma_… Do you want food or something?" Remus asked unsure of what to say.

"Listen, Remus, I understand what you're going through right now," Wilma began.

Remus' eyes widened. _This idiot couldn't possible know… She couldn't be a witch… Could she? _"Erm… you do?" Remus asked hesitantly.

"Yes, I do," Wilma began. "I can see that you have feelings for me, and truly Remus, you seem like a wonderful man, but I'm taken with your best friend. You can't do something like this to him. It's just not meant to be."

Remus stood there wide eyed. This girl _really_ thought that he would be in love with her? He had to try to stifle his laughter but managed to act sad and depressed by this news. "Oh… I see… Well, yes, you know me so well, _Wilma_. I… I," Remus was having great difficulties not laughing. "I really care about you, _Wilma_. I just… I'm sorry you don't feel the same about me." He turned away and gulped extensively as though he were trying not to cry. Of course, in reality, he was trying oh so hard not to laugh.

"Remus, I'm so sorry to have to let you down this way. It's really for the best, in the end."

"Yes," Remus walked away from her outstretched arm and the back of his hand flung to his forehead dramatically. "I understand. There's no need to make this tougher than it already is, _Wilma_."

_Meanwhile…_

"HARRY!! DON'T DO THAT! PUT THE WAND DOWN! NO! AHHH!"

"Smush! Smush! Smush!"

"AHHH!"

_Back at the house… _

"Remus, how's this, I'll make you boys and little Harry dinner tonight. Will that make you feel any better?" Wilma offered.

Remus thought about this for a minute. Well, he could say no and have her leave… Or he could say yes and get a free meal. It was clear what his choice would be. "That's very generous of you, _Wilma_, thank you so much."

"It's my pleasure." And Wilma smiled as she walked toward the kitchen. Almost exactly after she was in the kitchen the front door burst open and there stood a very disheveled Sirius carrying a very happy looking baby and also a very long wand.

"I'm back." Sirius said feebly.

"Sirius! What happened?" Remus asked as he took in the boy's appearance. His pants now looked like shorts, very worn out shorts. And his shirt appeared to be missing, though it could be there underneath all of the soot.

"Remus… My hair…" Sirius whined pathetically. Remus then looked at the boy's soot covered head. His hair was standing up at all angles and looked like it was actually sticky from something that Remus didn't really want to know what it was.

"Sirius… Why don't you go take a shower. _Wilma_'s cooking dinner for us." Remus said to his friend while taking Harry.

"Yes… And while I do that, could you make sure the neighbors are okay?" Sirius asked.

Remus wanted to mentally slap himself for letting Sirius get the boy, but instead he held back and simply responded, "Yes, Sirius, I'll make sure they're fine."

By the time Remus had gotten back from the neighbors, whose roof had been blown off the top of the house, Sirius was done showering and speaking to Wilma casually.

Remus stepped into the bathroom to freshen up for dinner. He couldn't have been in there for more than two minutes…

**Dundundun. Please excuse the french if it's incorrect. Blame online translators, not me. Oh, and review please! (: **


	6. Chaos

**Uhm… hi. So… This… may be where we run out of marvelous ideas to entertain… Uhm… you wanna sell something?**

Well because you interrupted me quite rudely last time, I don't remember what I was going to sell! Here, I'll go look in my closet for something.

**And while she's gone… I'll think of a title… So this chapter's title should be… **

How do you think they'd like a stuffed animal bear with a camera in its head? Fun at parties!

**They wouldn't! Who would want that?**

Okay, how about… A sheep wrangler!

**A what? **

Ya know, a sheep wrangler! It wrangles sheeps!

**No, I don't think they're interested in that either... The title should be simpler than our past titles, don't you think? **

Oh! How about this!

**Uhm… What's a this? **

A pencil that you never have to sharpen yet you can't erase!

**That's called a pen, Penguin. **

How about this dried piece of gum?

**Chaos! **

What?

**That's the chapter title, chaos!**

Okay, it'll work.

**Okay then, Chapter 6: Chaos**

Wait, are you sure they don't want this dried piece of gum? It's antique! Worth millions!

***ends author's note* **

"Lily, I really don't think we should leave yet. I mean, look at all the people still at the restaurant!" James pleaded with his wife.

"No, James, I miss my Harry, and we've already been here for three hours. I'm definitely ready to go now." Lily responded.

"But Lily, we really shouldn't go yet… It's been such a great evening!" James was begging.

"No, James I'm ready to go now." Lily summoned the waiter. "Check please."

"Wait! Don't you want some dessert?!"

_Meanwhile…_

Remus had walked out of the bathroom while fixing his uneven shirt only to be met with screaming. He looked up immediately to see what had happened…

"Remus!! Help!!"

"Sirius?! What's going on?!"

"Who's got the beer?!"

"Sirius, where'd all these people come from?!"

"I don't… WILMA WHY ARE YOU NAKED?!"

"Where's Harry?"

"Last time I saw him…"

"WHEEEE!"

"DUCK!"

_Meanwhile… _

"James, I really want to go now."

"But Lily, this park is just so beautiful at night! Don't you want to look around some more?"

"We've walked around this park twice now, James, it's not that amazing."

"But, I don't think that you're taking in the true beauty of the nature and the scenery…"

"James, I'm leaving now."

"Okay! Let's side along apparate!"

"James, I know how to apparate—" James grasped her arm and with a_ pop_ they were gone.

_Back at the house… _

"From what?!"

"No! I found a duck in the bathtub!"

"Hey! A goat!"

"Who's the fat dude?!"

"Who are any of these people?!"

"Wilma! Put some clothes on!"

"Where's Harry?!"

"WHEEE!"

"Get off the chandelier!"

"Since when was there ever a chandelier?!"

"REMUS!!!"

"What?!"

"I'm being eaten!!"

"By what?!"

"The goat!!"

"What goat!?"

"It's eating my hair!!"

"Sirius how long was I gone?!"

"A few minutes—OH MY GOD!"

_Meanwhile… _

"James, why are we in India?"

_Meanwhile…_

"What?!"

"There's an elephant with dancing girls on it!!"

"How did an elephant get in here?!"

"Hey!! What punk took my drugs!? Was it you?!"

"Me?! What? No! I've never done drugs in my life…"

"I KNEW IT WAS YOU! YOU GET BACK HERE PUNK!"

"AHHH!"

"WHEEE!"

"I found Harry!"

"Smush! Smush! Smush!"

"AHHHH!"

_Meanwhile in India…_

"I thought we'd look at the culture and beauty..?"

"James, we're in a dark ally filled with sketchy people who probably want to rape us. I don't know what's wrong with you, but I'm going home."

"No! Wait!" But with a _pop_ she was gone.

"Hey mister! Want to buy a kitten?" The man with the accent opened up his trench coat which was filled with, well, kittens... James apparated seconds later with another _pop_.

"Lily!!" James screeched as he watched his wife open the door to their house. "No!" James bolted for the door and when he got in there, looking wide eyed and disheveled, he saw that everything was just perfect…

"Lily, darling, how was your evening?" Remus asked.

"James, you do look like a wreck." Sirius interjected.

"Daddy!" Harry flailed happily.

"I… I… I…" James was lost for words. "I knew I could trust you! Here's your wand back, Sirius."

"I have to admit, James, I'm impressed that the house is burned down or anything."

"Amaze you, Lily-flower?" Sirius asked smoothly.

"Yes, actually, you did. Tonight might actually be relaxing… Wait, lemme see the closet." Lily started toward the closet.

"Lily, there's a funny story, really. It's just… You might not find it funny until later."

Lily reached for the door handle. "Remus, why is there no door here?"

"Wh-what do you mean?"

"This is a painting of a door. What happened to my house?"

Sirius laughed hesitantly. "Just a little joke Lily… Did we ever mention how much we LOVE that you clean up our messes?"

"Sirius Black WHAT have you done this time?"

"Oh… I need a drink…" James said walking to another door. "Remus, this is a painting too. Where's my house?"

"Wait a second! All the walls are paintings!"

"Erm… Well…"

James kicked one of the "walls" and they all came crashing down.

"SURPRISE!" Harry yelled happily.

"Remus… Sirius… What is this?!" Lily screeched as she looked into what was her house. It was now fire and people and parties and was that a goat?!

"Harry got rid of the elephant…" Remus tried to say as though it were a great thing.

"No! It was a tornado!! And then a tsunami hit!! And then a hurricane followed by an ice storm and concluded by global warming taking over and melting all the ice to create this disaster!!"

"Sirius… Black…" Lily said under her breath.

"Awh come on Lily, Remus was a part of it too!" Sirius tried to plead.

"Well, it's been nice chatting, I hope you have a lovely evening, bye!!" And the two boys apparated away.

Lily turned to James. "Never again."

**The end. **

**With a possible sequel? **

**Review please! **


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